


Only A Matter Of Time

by toomanyunfinishedfics



Series: New Game+ [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: (or at least times one hundred), (times infinity), Also there's minor descriptions of character death, And also brief mentions of suicide, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New Game Plus, Ryuji Says Fuck, So just a warning for that, Spoilers, but no one actually dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 08:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanyunfinishedfics/pseuds/toomanyunfinishedfics
Summary: How long can one person re-live the same year for before they finally snap? Akira isn’t sure anymore–-he thinks he lost his sanity somewhere in between the dagger slicing his boyfriend’s throat, and the gun pointed at his head with his finger on the trigger–-but the last thing that he expects is to break down and actually have someone to help him pick up the pieces.





	Only A Matter Of Time

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Yay, I finally finished P5, now I can read those NG+ fics I've bookmarked--  
> My brain: Write your own  
> Me: Wait what  
> My brain: Break Akira do it  
> Me:  
> Me: [opens gdocs]

From the moment Ryuji first met Akira, he knew there was something incredible about him.

Despite being the same age as him, Akira held himself with a sort of confidence that normally only came with years of experience, always seeming to know exactly what was going on and having almost eerily accurate foresight to figure out things that were going to happen.

It was one of the many reasons that Ryuji admired his leader, but also one of the many reasons why he worried about him.

Sometimes there would be moments--so small that he didn’t even think Akira himself noticed--where Akira’s cool demeanor would crack, though these moments were odd enough that Ryuji felt awkward ever bringing them up (lest he have to admit that he spent more time than should be normal watching Akira to begin with): sometimes Ryuji would catch Akira looking at someone they just met or somewhere they were visiting for the first time with a nostalgic look, sometimes the look in his eyes was so ageless and so _all-knowing_ that Ryuji felt like his friend somehow had decades more life experience than him, and other times he would see such a dark look cross Akira’s face that it made a physical shudder run down his spine.

(Ann and Morgana might tease him about being an idiot, and maybe they were right, but at least he was sharp enough to see behind Akira’s mask when no one else would.)

Then there were the times where Akira looked so tired, so _defeated_ , like he was fighting some sort of higher battle that none of them knew about and was losing--but that was ridiculous, right? After all, the only thing they were fighting were the crappy adults around them, and Akira would have told them if there were another enemy that needed fighting, so they could do it together.

… Right?

Tonight was one of those nights--and as they exited the Metaverse, tired yet pleased that they’d completed another two requests, Ryuji knew that he had to try and say something to Akira, who should have been in high spirits along with himself and Ann and Morgana.

“Something on your mind?” Ryuji questioned once Morgana and Ann had started walking ahead of them, and Akira looked surprised as he glanced over at him--either because he’d been startled out of his thoughts, or because he hadn’t expected Ryuji to talk to him.

(It couldn’t be that, though--they’d only known each other for a few weeks now, but Ryuji hoped that Akira realized by now that he cared a lot about him, and that included worrying about him.)

Ryuji frowned as Akira immediately plastered on his usual poker face, opening his mouth and speaking before his quiet friend could get a word out.

“Oh no, none of that hiding shit ‘n’ pretending everything’s fine. I saw that look on your face before, and I want to know what’s up, so spill.”

Akira looked hesitant for a moment before shaking his head with a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Not here. Not now.”

Ryuji was about to protest when Akira lightly jerked his head in the direction of Ann and Morgana, and Ryuji instead let out a sigh in response.

“... Fine, but you gotta promise me when we’re alone that you’ll talk.”

Akira made a noise that could be taken as an affirmation, and Ryuji figured that was the best he was going to get for the moment, so he decided to take it for now as he and Akira walked Ann to the station.

* * *

It had been a struggle to convince Ann to take Morgana home with her for the night without having to explain himself (Morgana seemed just as suspicious as she was, though he was very easily placated by the thought of spending the night with “Lady Ann”), but Ann agreed after Akira promised to buy her crepes tomorrow, cheerfully waving goodbye to Akira and Ryuji as she boarded her train with Morgana in her bag.

Akira had no idea why he was going through all of this just to humor Ryuji and potentially ruin what was so far looking to be a decent timeline, but… well, in the end he just couldn’t say no to Ryuji.

(Did he say timeline? Forget he said anything, that was just a little joke, nothing worth taking seriously.)

Akira gave Ryuji another smile as he started walking, taking note of his frown with a mixture of intrigue and confusion.

Had he done something to upset Ryuji? Probably, judging by the comment about the “look on his face” before, though that made Akira wonder just what kind of face he’d been making that Ryuji had picked up on it.

(He remembered Ryuji always being pretty sharp when it came to picking up on little changes in his expressions and his mood, even ones that Akira himself didn’t catch, so he supposed he shouldn’t be too surprised that the same held true even now.)

(It was just one of the many things that he lo--)

(No, it wasn’t worth bringing that up either.)

“Well?” Ryuji asked, breaking the silence between them as they wandered away from the busy streets.

“Hm?” Akira glanced at Ryuji but otherwise made no attempt to speak, knowing it wouldn’t be worth bringing up what was truly on his mind.

“Don’t “ _hm?_ ” me,” Ryuji replied with a scowl, grabbing Akira’s arm and forcing him to a stop.

(Akira idly noted that they were completely alone now, in one of the back alleys where no one would see or hear them, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Ryuji really trusted him enough to not even realize the potential danger he could be putting himself in by following him here.)

“I know you’ve got something on your mind, and you promised to spill, so _spill_ ,” Ryuji said, faltering for a moment before reeling himself in a bit and continuing more sheepishly, “... Sorry. I’m not trying to pressure you or nothing--but dude, you seriously haven’t been looking too good, ‘specially recently. It’s like… like you’ve got the whole world on your shoulders or something, ‘n’ you’re trying to figure out how to balance it all on your own… or something, I dunno. I just wanna help.”

Akira was again impressed by just how astute Ryuji could really be, even if Ryuji himself didn’t realize it.

He hesitated, briefly considering confessing everything--and _god_ was it tempting, when he had Ryuji standing here in front of him with such an earnest expression, wanting to do nothing more than support him in whatever he was dealing with--before plastering on another smile and shaking his head. “It’s nothing that extravagant. I guess I’m still just trying to adjust to being a new student and the leader of the Phantom Thieves, that’s all. Sorry to worry you.”

Ryuji’s expression faltered, and Akira almost let out a relieved sigh. Ryuji would accept the lie at face value, Akira could carry on with the current chain of events, and perhaps this time everything would--

“Bullshit.”

Akira blinked. “... Excuse me?”

Ryuji glared as he took a step forward, hardly leaving any distance between the two of them as he poked Akira’s chest with his finger. “Bull. Shit. Look, I may be an idiot, but I ain’t dumb enough to buy a cheap lie like that--or what, is that it? You think I’m too much of an idiot to handle whatever’s really going on?”

Akira bristled slightly, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses as he fought to keep his voice calm and even. “Ryuji, you know that I would never think that about you--”

(Except maybe he didn’t, maybe they hadn’t established what Akira thought of Ryuji this time around, Akira couldn’t remember)

“--and I’m not trying to lie to you either. This just… it isn’t something I can easily talk about; it’s not that you wouldn’t be able to handle it so much as you just wouldn’t believe me, and I could never ask you to. I wouldn’t ask that of anyone.”

Akira bit his tongue before he could say anything else, inwardly berating himself for letting even just that much slip--but he was so _tired_ , and Ryuji was still here, and he’d never gotten this far in any kind of conversation like this, and he couldn’t stop the stupid thoughts like _maybe this time will be different_ and _maybe he’ll try and understand_ and--

“I think I should be the one to decide whether or not I believe whatever you’ve got to say,” Ryuji replied as he straightened up and crossed his arms. “Go ahead, try me.”

(Akira was quick to put out the small flame of hope that flickered to life inside of him--it wasn’t worth it, not when he knew that this would turn out just like all the other times, even if this situation had never happened before.)

“Fine.” Akira’s expression hardened as he took off his glasses and pocketed them--if he was going to bare everything to Ryuji, he was going to do it without any masks or barriers to hide behind. “You want to know what’s really going on? I’ve been reliving this same year for close to a hundred years now.”

Ryuji blinked, obviously not having expected Akira to drop that kind of bombshell on him. “What-- that’s--”

“Hard to believe, I know,” Akira finished with a humorless smile. “But you wanted the truth, and that’s it.”

Once Akira started speaking, he found the words beginning to tumble out of his mouth beyond his control--but hell, he’d already ruined this timeline by opening his mouth once, so it wasn’t like he could possibly make things any worse by continuing to speak.

“I’ve been reliving every single day, from April 11th onward, in an endless loop--and no matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter how things end, I always end up waking up back at LeBlanc on April 11th, to the sound of Sojiro yelling at me to get ready for my first day at Shujin.”

Akira took a step forward, hardly even aware of how Ryuji took a step back in turn. “Do you know what that’s like? That no matter what you do, it all ends up being useless? I’ve tried changing things, fixing them, doing things differently each time, and each time I end up right back where I started with nothing to show for it except my memories--timeline after timeline of overlapping memories, trying to remember who I did and didn’t meet yet, what I did and didn’t do yet, what information I’m supposed to know and what I couldn’t possibly know yet… do you know how hard it is to keep all of that straight?”

“... Dude, Akira… that’s….”

Akira tried to rein himself in, but it felt so good to finally unload everything that he just couldn’t stop himself.

“I’ve tried _everything_. I’ve met every person, avoided every person, formed close bonds with every person, made enemies of every person-- I’ve read every book I could find, beaten every video game, watched every movie and every TV show, been to every place the train could take me-- I’ve gone through the year without ever becoming a Phantom Thief, I’ve gone through the year as the only Phantom Thief, I’ve tried recruiting and avoiding different combinations of our team-- I’ve even worked together with _Akechi_ , just out of pure desperation to do something _different_ \--”

“Akechi?” Ryuji questioned, but he received no answer as Akira continued rambling, his gaze growing more and more unfocused.

“-- I’ve dated practically our whole team, at the same time once just for the hell of it because _who the fuck cares_ , the year’s going to restart on me anyway so _why not_ \-- I’ve _killed_ our whole team with my own two hands only for the world to go right back to April _fucking_ 11th like nothing’s wrong-- I’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, thrown myself in front of moving trains and trucks, drowned myself, drugged myself, let myself die at other people’s hands, and _nothing ever changes_ , and I can’t _take it_ anymore, and now I fucked up this timeline by saying all this, and--”

“ _Akira!_ ”

Akira was jolted from his rambling by a pair of hands gripping him by the shoulders almost hard enough to bruise, shaking him slightly until his gaze cleared and he could see Ryuji in front of him, pale and shaking and looking like he didn’t know whether to cry or throw up or punch Akira (or maybe all three, though perhaps not at once).

“Akira, what the _fuck_ …. Are you saying you've _killed yourself?_ What the _fuck_ , man!” Ryuji’s grip on Akira’s shoulders tightened, yet the dark-haired boy didn’t even flinch. “What would've happened if you hadn't woken up again!”

Though he gave no verbal reply, Akira couldn't hide the look of relief brought about just by the thought of never waking up again, and Ryuji's insides twisted uncomfortably in response--this wasn't right, the Akira he knew wouldn’t be acting like this, how the hell did everything get so _fucked up_ and _wrong_ \--

“Shit, I knew something was wrong, but _fuck_ ….” Ryuji warily let go of Akira’s shoulders, and instead moved a hand up to shakily run through his hair. “... And all the rest of that shit you said… it's all true too?”

“Would I have any reason to make any of that up?”

“... Even the part about killing us?” Ryuji asked, his eyes narrowed.

Akira smirked humorlessly, his expression a complete contrast to the feeling of his heart sinking.

It was a miracle that Ryuji had even chosen to worry about Akira’s suicides before addressing the more important issue, and he’d known from the moment that he let that part slip that Ryuji wouldn’t let it go--honestly, Akira couldn’t expect him to, not when he knew how strong Ryuji’s sense of loyalty and justice was--so at this point he knew that there would be no redeeming himself in Ryuji’s eyes.

Might as well play the part of a villain to the fullest, then.

“So that’s the part you’re going to focus on? I shouldn’t be surprised.” He took a step forward, his smirk widening when Ryuji’s back hit the alley wall, and he rested a hand against the wall next to Ryuji’s head, effectively trapping him.

(Akira knew that Ryuji had the strength to shove him away, at least outside the Metaverse where all they had to rely on was their physical strength, so this would be a true test of Ryuji’s trust in him.)

“I can still remember the feeling of my dagger slitting your throat.” He ran his finger along Ryuji’s throat, ghosting over the wound that Akira could still see fresh in his mind despite years upon years passing. “You’d be surprised how much blood the body can lose like that, even in the Metaverse.”

Ryuji swallowed thickly and narrowed his eyes. “This ain’t like you. The Akira I know wouldn’t talk like this, wouldn’t do shit like this--”

“Oh really?” Akira raised an eyebrow, leaning forward until there were hardly a few inches between his face and Ryuji’s. “I would love to know what “Akira” you know after only knowing me for… what, four weeks? Five? Because I can assure you, it’s nowhere near as well as I know you--I know everything: I remember every story you told me; every secret you confessed to me while sitting in my room; your favorite parts from all your favorite manga, including ones you haven't even _read_ yet; everything about your family and your past; all your favorite hangout spots and pastimes that you never told anyone else about--” Akira leaned even closer, their lips almost touching and his hand moving down to brush against Ryuji's waist as he continued, “--all the most sensitive spots on your body--” He finished clearing the small bit of distance between them, pressing his lips to a wide-eyed and red-faced Ryuji’s before pulling back to continue, “--the feeling of your lips against mine--”

Ryuji abruptly shoved Akira backwards, his face bright red and his hands shaking. “What the _hell_ , man! That’s-- you just-- what the _hell!_ ”

Akira smirked. “I told you, I’ve dated everyone--including, and especially, you.”

“Wh-- why me?? I’m not-- I mean, we’re both-- it’s-- I--” Ryuji let out a frustrated noise, his face still bright red as he glared weakly at Akira. “You’re trying to distract me ‘n’ make me forget about before, aren’t you! Well it ain’t gonna work--even if you know way more about me than I know about you, that don’t change the fact that I know you’re not the kind of person to willingly hurt other people! I ain't budging on that no matter how big of a dick you're trying to pretend to be!”

Akira’s expression immediately fell from amusement to defeat as he shook his head. “... I wish I could agree with you, but I can’t. I can barely remember the kind of person I used to be anymore, and I don’t even know the kind of person I am now. I’m just… existing, playing whatever role I find myself in each time around.”

“Akira….”

Ryuji felt like his heart was being physically crushed in his chest as he looked at Akira, somehow finding his blank gaze even worse than his cold smirk or the unfocused, manic look in his eyes when he was venting.

His leader should never look so defeated, it just wasn’t _right_.

Hesitating for a moment out of lingering embarrassment, Ryuji stepped forward and reached out, pulling Akira into a hug--and as soon as he heard Akira’s breath hitch and felt him tremble lightly, he had a feeling he’d done the right thing.

“Akira, I can’t say I get what you’re going through, because there’s no way in hell I could ever even _begin_ to imagine all the shit that’s going on in your head, but… even if you don’t think you know yourself anymore, and even if you think I can’t possibly know you after just a few weeks of being around you… well, I can’t say I’m good for much, but I’d like to think I’ve got a pretty good handle on getting a feel for people’s personalities and what they’re really like.” Ryuji continued holding Akira close, taking a moment to figure out the best words to convey what he wanted to say before finally continuing to speak. “First off, you’re a good person--I don’t care what your reasoning was, I don’t care what you did or didn’t do in other timelines or whatever, but you’ve gone above and beyond trying to help out me ‘n’ Ann--and not only us, but you help Morgana, and I see you helping Mishima get back on his feet, and knowing you I’m sure you’re running around helping other people too. You could easily just ignore all of us ‘n’ do whatever the hell you want, especially considering your… uh… _situation_ , but you’re still going out of your way to give your time and energy to other people.”

“It’s just--”

“Shut it, I’m not done,” Ryuji cut Akira off, surprised when he actually listened and fell quiet. “If that’s not enough proof, then how about this: you remember why you were forced to move here to begin with, right?” He felt Akira nod against him. “Well there you go! You were willing to put yourself in danger for a stranger just because it was the right thing to do, and that shit happened _before_ this whole time loop mess--so if that ain’t a good way to judge the kind of person you really are, then I don’t know what is.”

Akira’s breath hitched as he took in Ryuji’s words, but he stayed quiet, allowing Ryuji to continue talking.

“Okay, so secondly, you’re the kind of person that worries way too much ‘n’ overthinks shit--and yeah, considering the circumstances I get it, but at the same time I get the feeling that you’re making things much more complicated than they gotta be, and something tells me that even before this whole mess, that’s just been something you do.

“Third, you act all cool ‘n’ confident, but you’re really just a huge fucking dork.” Ryuji grinned as he received a quiet, breathless laugh at that. “Nah, but seriously, I don’t care how many years of experience you have--either you’ve got a sense of humor or you don’t, and you definitely do. You’ve got your serious moments too--which, I mean, duh, you’re our leader for a reason--but shit, man, I’ve lost track of the amount of times you made me bust a gut from a comment or a joke or even just stupid shit that I _know_ you were doing just to get a rise outta me. People wouldn’t think it from just looking at you, but you’re one hell of a funny guy when you’re comfortable around someone.

“Fourth, you’ve got this stupid martyr attitude that makes me want to punch you as much as it makes me want to try ‘n’ do something to help you--seriously man, we’re a _team_ for a reason, we’re **_friends_** for a reason. Just because you’re our leader don’t mean you’ve gotta deal with all the hard shit yourself, y’know? And again, I get that this whole situation is a bit _much_ to just drop on someone--but hell, if you really thought this would be enough to make me run for the hills, then you obviously don’t know me as well as you said you do.”

Ryuji glanced down as he felt Akira shift against him, his heart dropping as he saw the beginnings of tears gathering in his eyes.

“Thank you,” Akira murmured against him, his hands lightly gripping the back of Ryuji’s jacket as he continued to take in all the support Ryuji was giving him. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Wh-- of course you deserve me, what the hell are you saying?” Ryuji pulled back just enough to properly look at Akira, feeling his heart breaking as he saw the tears in Akira’s eyes slowly starting to roll down his cheeks, one after the other.

He racked his brain for something he could do to help Akira stop crying (god, seeing Akira cry felt even more wrong than any of the other moods he’d cycled through in the past however long they were standing in this back alley for), before finally coming up with a solution and acting on it before he could second-guess himself.

Ryuji pulled Akira forward and pressed their lips together in a kiss.

(Hell, it worked in movies, right? And Akira had already kissed him once, so what’s one more kiss at this point?)

Ryuji heard Akira let out a noise in between their locked lips, and he felt Akira reciprocating the kiss with a fervency that made Ryuji’s face grow even hotter than it already was.

When Ryuji pulled away, the last thing he was expecting was to see Akira’s light crying suddenly shift to full-blown sobbing.

“Shit, fuck, I’m sorry-- I thought-- I mean, that was supposed to--”

Ryuji blinked as Akira hugged him tightly, and he let out a quiet sigh, relieved that Akira wasn’t crying because of him, before returning the hug as he looked down at Akira in sympathy.

“... It’s going to be okay,” he murmured, not sure what else he could possibly say to help Akira. He hesitated before awkwardly moving his hand up to toy with Akira’s hair and was rewarded with a shaky sigh, Akira’s body trembling against him as his sobs turned to quiet hiccups.

Ryuji had never seen Akira so… so small, so vulnerable, so _raw_ and _open_ \--it made a protective urge swell up in him, and he unconsciously pulled Akira even closer to him, only becoming aware of his action as he heard the shaky, relieved sigh that Akira let out in response, as if he needed to be as close as physically possible to Ryuji to avoid having another breakdown.

Which, Ryuji supposed, might not have been too far off from the truth at this point--not that Ryuji minded finally being able to help Akira in some way.

Once Akira’s breathing began to even out, Ryuji (reluctantly) pulled back enough to properly speak with him.

“I think you need some rest, and a day off--it sounds like you’ve been bottling all that shit up for way too long; you need to give yourself a break.”

Akira shook his head weakly, his hands still gripping Ryuji’s jacket to ground himself. “... can’t… still too much to do, I have to prepare for Madarame’s palace and try and help Futaba and figure out where Akechi is--”

Ryuji sighed, putting a hand over Akira’s mouth to quiet him. “Never thought I’d see the day where I’m asking you to _stop_ speaking,” he joked weakly, before adding, “If any of that rambling was supposed to make sense to me, it didn’t, so I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of it. Now come on--I’m bringing you back to the cafe so you can get some sleep, and tomorrow you ‘n’ me are gonna spend some time bumming the fuck out and rotting our brains with some movies or something.”

Akira’s shoulders sagged, though whether it was in defeat or relief Ryuji couldn’t say. Regardless, Akira quietly nodded and didn’t put up any kind of fuss as Ryuji led him all the way to the train station, Ryuji pushing aside his embarrassment in favor of grabbing Akira’s hand or brushing against him every time he saw Akira slipping deep into thought.

“C’mon, enough thinking--just pretend to be me for a night and don’t think about anything,” Ryuji teased.

“I wish I could be like you,” Akira murmured with a small yet genuine smile, prompting an embarrassed blush from Ryuji. “You’re incredible.”

Ryuji ducked his head in embarrassment and shrugged. “You’re the incredible one…,” he replied weakly, though it was hard not to feel flattered by the honest praise.

Ryuji lead the way back to LeBlanc with Akira by his side, finding comfort in the familiarity of the route, like he was walking back to his own home--which, with how much time he’d spent hanging out with Akira over the past few weeks, wasn’t too far off.

It was a hell of a lot better than sitting around at home by himself, waiting for his mom to come home from work.

Akira unlocked the door to the cafe, but otherwise let Ryuji continue leading the way all the way up to his room, where Ryuji gently yet firmly sat Akira down on his bed.

“Alright, so… you still keep your clothes ‘n’ shit in that box, right? I’ll go grab you something to change into, then I’ll--” Ryuji went to move away from Akira, only to stop as he felt a hand grabbing hold of his hand. He let out a sigh and continued, “--I’ll borrow some clothes ‘n’ stay the night.”

After glancing over his shoulder and catching sight of Akira’s relieved expression, he knew that he was making the right choice despite his embarrassment. He waited until Akira let go of his hand before making his way over to the box and opening it up, digging through it until he found a comfortable change of clothes for both Akira and himself.

One very awkward change of clothes later (or at least, awkward on his end--while Akira didn’t seem to mind, Ryuji was extremely conscious of the fact that he was taking off his clothes in the presence of someone that he’d been kissed by and kissed himself and-- _stop thinking Ryuji just turn off your brain we’re just changing our clothes for fuck’s sake_ ), Akira sat back down on the bed, his eyes glazed over as he fought to keep himself from nodding off.

Ryuji hesitated before sitting down on the bed next to Akira, blushing as Akira immediately leaned against him and rested his head on Ryuji’s shoulder, his eyes closing and his body relaxing.

“Uh… you didn’t just fall asleep, did you?” Ryuji questioned warily, receiving a quiet grunt in reply that at least showed Akira was still awake enough to hear him. “Alright, so, uh… should I just… sleep on the couch, or…?”

Akira cracked an eye open to look at him. “... Are you uncomfortable?”

“Well-- no, not _uncomfortable_ , just… I’m not exactly _used to_ this kind’a stuff, so….”

Akira sighed softly and opened both his eyes, sitting up with a guilty expression and reluctantly shifting away to give Ryuji some space. “... I’m sorry. This isn’t fair of me to do to you.”

Ryuji frowned. “Don’t start with this shit, man--you’re not doing anything wrong. If I wasn’t alright with it then I wouldn’t be here right now, okay? Not being used to any of this don’t mean I’m _against_ it.”

“But I’m still forcing you to move faster than you’re ready, because you feel guilty and want to help me.”

Ryuji’s frown deepened into a scowl, and he moved without thinking as he wrapped an arm around Akira and pulled him back over to his side. “Don’t decide for me why I’m doing what I’m doing. I _do_ want to help you, but it ain’t out of guilt.” He hesitated out of embarrassment before pushing himself to say, “I’ve… I mean, anyone could see that you’re a good-looking guy, and you’re smart ‘n’ witty ‘n’ talented ‘n’ just fuckin’ _amazing_ \--and yeah, maybe I just got lucky being the first guy to go into the Metaverse with you, maybe it was just coincidence that I ended up being your right-hand man, but like… shit, how could I _not_ admire you ‘n’ wanna grow closer to you? I mean… fuck, you have no idea the shit I’d be willing to do just to help you--so _yes_ I want to help you, and _no_ I’m not pushing myself because you’re guilting me into doing anything or whatever backwards conclusion your overthinking brain came up with. If I’m embarrassed, it’s because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, not because I’m uncomfortable--and if I’m hesitating, it’s because I don’t wanna do something stupid and look like an idiot when you’re obviously way more experienced with all this shit than I am. Alright?”

Akira remained silent as Ryuji spoke, staring at him in wide-eyed surprise, before relaxing his expression into one of relief as he nodded and rested his head against Ryuji’s shoulder once more.

“... Thank you,” Akira murmured as he closed his eyes once more. “I know I’m asking a lot of you, so just… don’t feel like you have to humor me.”

Ryuji huffed and poked Akira’s side. “What did I just tell you, huh?” He blinked as Akira squirmed and let out a quiet laugh, before grinning as he realized what to do.

“R… Ryuji, wait--”

“Nope, too late~” Ryuji grinned as he began poking Akira’s sides, relishing in his squirming and breathless laughter. “Promise you’ll stop overthinking shit, and _maybe_ I’ll stop.”

“Fine, fine, I get it, I promise,” Akira forced out in between laughs, neither him nor Ryuji aware of their positions shifting until Akira found himself laying down on the bed with Ryuji hovering over him.

Ryuji blushed lightly as he stared down at Akira, taking in his flushed face and unguarded smile even as Ryuji’s fingers stilled against Akira’s sides.

_This… really isn’t so bad,_ he couldn’t help but think to himself as he trailed his hand up to Akira’s face, watching in a mixture of curiosity and amusement as Akira closed his eyes and nuzzled against his palm.

_Kinda like a cat,_ he mused with a smile and a quiet laugh, the sound causing Akira to open his eyes again and look up at him with the warmest expression Ryuji had ever seen directed at him in his entire life.

(His mom had given him plenty of warm smiles over his lifetime, of course, but this was completely different and made his heart feel like it was running a marathon and leaving his body behind.)

_Still,_ a traitorous voice in the back of his mind whispered, _it’s only because I was there to help him when he had his breakdown. It could’ve been Ann. It could’ve been literally anyone else that he’d be depending on ‘n’ looking at like that right now, instead of me._

As if reading Ryuji’s mind, Akira reached up and pulled Ryuji down against him, lightly pressing their lips together once more before whispering, “You were my first, you know.”

Ryuji’s eyes widened, his face flooding with heat. “Y… your first… _what_ , exactly?”

“In the very first timeline,” Akira began, his expression falling into one of bittersweet nostalgia. “You stole my heart hardly minutes after first meeting you--you were so passionate, so unafraid of what everyone said or thought about you, so _accepting_ when everyone else had already put a label on me, so _kind_ and _caring_ and always putting other people’s well-being before your own… and the more time I spent with you, the harder I fell for you. The day you confessed to returning my feelings was the best day of my life, and every moment afterwards was a moment I’ll treasure until the end of time… and just when we’d accepted that we would have to make our relationship work despite the distance that would be between us… just when I’d started to think that going back home for a bit would be alright, because my real home would be waiting for me here and would accept me with open arms no matter how long it took for me to come back… I woke up on April 11th, like the whole year had been erased.”

“... Shit, Akira….” Ryuji’s heart sunk--even just thinking about what it must have felt like to have built up such a happy relationship, only to wake up one day and it’s all gone… it made Ryuji’s eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. “God, that’s just….”

Akira’s smile dimmed, his hands shaking slightly as he tightened his grip on Ryuji, as if trying to anchor himself. “I tried to stay calm, I tried to play along with everything as best as I could remember, but when I met you and you didn’t even have the slightest glimmer of recognition in your face when you saw me, I just… I ran. I couldn’t take it, I felt like I was being crushed under the memories of everything that I had, everything that I lost…. I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going, and the roads were wet from the rain, so… well, needless to say, I very quickly woke up yet again on that same morning, to the same cold words from Sojiro.”

Ryuji’s breath hitched, and he pulled Akira into a tight hug that the dark-haired boy was quick to reciprocate, clinging onto him as if Ryuji was his last hope.

“I tried,” Akira began, his voice catching for a moment as he forced back tears before continuing to speak, “I tried speaking to you the next time. I tried telling you everything, but that just made things worse--I wasn’t in my right mind, I wasn’t thinking about how weird it would be for some stranger to just approach you and start claiming to have lived this whole year’s worth of their life with you. You ended up avoiding me completely, and… and you disappeared. You must have somehow stumbled into Kamoshida’s palace on your own, and… and I wasn’t there to help you, so….”

Ryuji swallowed thickly and shakily moved a hand up to run through Akira’s hair, his heart feeling heavy with guilt even if he had no control over what some alternate version of himself said or did--and what was worse was that he knew that Akira was right. If Akira had had the same mental breakdown with him back then that he’d had with him today, as horrible as it was to think about, Ryuji would have probably thought Akira was a mental case and resolved to stay as far away from him as possible.

Still, hearing Akira spell all of this out made him even more grateful that he’d had Akira by his side when they ended up in Kamoshida’s palace. To think that he could have seriously _died_ there… to think that there was a world where he _did_ seriously die there… it was nauseating, to say the least.

“I couldn’t continue living in a world that didn’t have you in it, especially not when I knew it was all my fault,” Akira confessed. “So that night, I….”

“Don’t.” Ryuji cut Akira off sharply, feeling sick to his stomach. “Please, just… I can’t think about you doing… anything drastic because of me.”

Akira murmured an apology, remaining quiet for a few moments before finally speaking up once more. “By the next timeline, I realized that I had to calm down and do things right, otherwise you or someone else could end up dying--and there was no point in escaping this time loop if I lost any of my friends along the way. I tried to do everything the same as the first timeline to the best of my memory, fixing little things here and there but overall not changing anything--except Akechi.”

“... You mentioned him before. What--”

“Don’t ask,” Akira quickly cut him off. “I… I can’t explain anything about him, not yet. Just know that I tried to help him when in the first timeline I couldn’t, and… things went wrong from there. I got close to finishing the end of that year before I got forced back to April 11th again. From that point on… everything just started blurring together. Year after year of trying different things--I tried keeping notes of what I did and didn’t do, but it all became so confusing and nothing would carry over when the reset happened, so I eventually just… stopped trying to do things the logical way. I started getting desperate and reckless, and I did stupid things.”

“Like killing us?”

Ryuji hadn’t meant for the question to slip out, and he inwardly kicked himself when he felt Akira flinch against him.

“I was just… like I said, I was desperate to escape the time loop and I wasn’t in my right mind. I approached someone that I shouldn’t have approached, told him things that I shouldn’t have known, and he… convinced me that helping him would be enough of a change that it would break me out of the loop--I don’t even remember what he told me anymore, but it was almost disgustingly convincing in the state I was in. After I went through with it and realized I’d been used, I just… I lost it. It was the first time I completely broke down since that second timeline, when I realized that you didn’t remember me.”

Ryuji could feel Akira shaking like a leaf in his arms, his heart breaking as he heard the soft, muffled sob that Akira let out against his chest. All he could do was continue to hold Akira and let him get everything out, his hand absentmindedly rubbing circles against Akira’s back.

“I remember holding your body, staring around at the bodies of our friends… and then turning to stare into the barrel of his gun before everything went black.” Akira choked out a humorless laugh. “I never wished so badly to never wake up again in my life, but I woke up on April 11th yet again, like nothing ever happened. I couldn’t even look you in the eye, and I knew it was dangerous to let you go off on your own, but I just… I could still see your blood on my hands, I couldn’t even try and hide how nauseated I felt looking at you and seeing your throat slitting open in my mind’s eye. You ended up escaping Kamoshida’s palace on your own that time, and I… I never joined you. I went through the year like a normal student because I was too terrified of what I’d done, and even then I still woke up on April 11th again after my probation was up.”

“Shit… goddamn, Akira, that’s… no wonder you broke down, I don’t know how the hell you managed to handle going through all of that by yourself.”

Akira laughed weakly. “I don’t know how I managed either. I tried dating other people each timeline to distract myself, but I just… it was just like reading a script, knowing the right things to say and do to make anyone fall for me just because I already knew them all so well--it wasn’t the same as what I had with you, but I was always too scared to try and grow close to you again. We were friends in most timelines, sure, but anything beyond that… I just couldn’t do it.”

“... And now?” Ryuji questioned warily, his thoughts immediately turning south: maybe Akira was just using him to replace the Ryuji in his memories, maybe he wasn’t even seeing him when he looked at him, maybe--

Akira shifted, reaching out and gently cupping Ryuji’s face in his hands. “Ryuji,” he began with a soft expression, his eyes staring straight into Ryuji’s soul as his spoke. “I would be a fool to not want to take this chance--you’ve made me fall in love with you all over again.”

Ryuji’s face immediately combusted, his breath catching in his throat as he opened and closed his mouth--hearing the word _love_ directed at him so suddenly caused any working parts of his brain to immediately shut down.

At least that shut up the doubts floating around his head.

Akira smiled and leaned forward to press another kiss to Ryuji’s lips, enjoying his surprised expression.

“What I had with the Ryuji from my original timeline… I will always cherish those days, and part of me will always miss them--but I know that you aren’t him, and I’m not cruel enough to pretend that you are.”

“... How the hell do you do that?” Ryuji finally questioned, prompting a confused look from Akira.

“Do what?”

Ryuji looked a mix of frustrated and embarrassed as he frowned. “You just… it’s like you knew what I was thinking--don’t tell me you can read minds too or some shit like that, because I might have to draw the line there.”

Akira laughed, resting his forehead against Ryuji’s. “Like I said, I know you better than you know yourself,” he teased. “There’s no mind reading involved, I promise.”

“Good.” Ryuji responded, hesitating before awkwardly forcing out, “I, uh… I l--”

Akira put a finger to Ryuji’s lips to silence him. “Save those words for when you mean them. It took me almost five months to first say them, and you’ve only known me for a few weeks--I would never rush you like that.”

Ryuji let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, feeling much more relaxed as he gave Akira a smile. “Thanks. I mean, it’s not that I don’t care about you--like I said, I’ve been wanting to grow closer to you practically since I first met you, and I’m willing to do just about anything to help you out. I just… I mean, I think I’m fine with… all this,” he continued, gesturing to the way their bodies were comfortably pressed together, “but….”

“But you don’t know exactly where your feelings lie just yet, and that’s perfectly understandable,” Akira finished for him.

“Yeah, but… I mean, is it bad that I…I kinda….”

Akira smiled, teasingly tracing a finger over Ryuji’s lips and watching as his face slowly turned red once more. “You “kinda” what?”

Ryuji huffed and grabbed Akira’s wrist, flipping them both over so Akira was pressed down on the bed underneath him once more, and Ryuji couldn’t help but grin as he saw the color filling Akira’s face as he stared up at him in surprise.

“I “kinda” like all this,” Ryuji finished, before leaning down and pressing his lips against Akira’s, enjoying the soft noise that Akira let out into the kiss a lot more than he thought he would.

When Ryuji pulled back for air, he was surprised to see Akira even more red than before, an odd expression on his face as he stared up at him.

“... _Ryuji_ ….”

Ryuji swallowed thickly, caught off-guard by the sound of his name leaving Akira’s lips.

_Fuck, since when did hearing my own name sound so…._

He hardly even realized he’d leaned in to press his lips against Akira’s once more until he felt the soft trembles wracking Akira’s frame beneath him.

Akira whimpered--honest-to-god _whimpered_ \--when Ryuji pulled back, and Ryuji’s breath hitched as he took a proper look at Akira, who looked completely wrecked just from Ryuji’s two kisses.

_Am I really that good?_ The thought was flattering, but Ryuji knew there was a piece of the puzzle that he was missing, he just had to think-- _Wait. He got like this when I kissed him before, too… but any time he started kissing me or teasing me, he wasn’t bothered at all. Like… like he’s used to dishing it out, but…._

“Akira… when was the last time someone kissed you?”

Now that was definitely not a question Ryuji thought he’d ever ask in his lifetime, but he seemed to hit the nail on the head with it regardless as he saw Akira drop his gaze.

“It’s… it’s easier to stay in control if I initiate everything,” Akira replied quietly. “If I let myself get caught off-guard, especially when I knew I didn’t really have feelings for any of them, I just… I couldn’t do it.”

“So this whole time, all these years you’ve been repeating, you just… never let anyone do anything with you without initiating it yourself?”

Ryuji’s heart clenched--true, he didn’t exactly have many people to be physically affectionate to begin with, but imagining going from a world where he had a boyfriend that was affectionate towards him to a world where he had to keep his boyfriend and everyone else at arm’s length because they saw him as a stranger… it couldn’t be easy, and doing that for decades upon decades would wear anyone down.

Hell, even Ryuji got a bit depressed if he went too long without a hug from his mom. Akira didn’t even have his parents to fall back on for support.

Akira seemed to be following his train of thought, because he shook his head weakly and tried to force himself to sit up. “Ryuji, I already told you, you don’t have to feel guilty or obligated--”

“I ain’t feeling like this out of guilt or obligation! I’m upset because I _care_ , dammit!” Ryuji pushed Akira back down on the bed. “Now you’re gonna keep quiet and let me kiss you ‘til you can’t think straight!”

Akira looked both surprised and embarrassed by Ryuji’s forceful declaration, and even Ryuji was caught off-guard by his own words, though he made no move to retract them despite all of the blood in his body pooling into his face.

Finally, Akira nodded and closed his eyes, and Ryuji wasted no time in pressing their lips together in another kiss that made Akira's heart swell in pure joy.

Akira couldn’t remember the last time he felt so _safe_ , so warm and cherished and cared for as Ryuji pressed kiss after kiss to his lips, the feeling of Ryuji’s body hovering over him and Ryuji’s hands pressing Akira’s wrists against the bed making a shiver of pure relief run through his body.

When was the last time he was able to openly trust someone, bare his mind and heart and soul and have it all be accepted so readily? When was the last time he was able to entrust his problems and his worries to someone else, and just _relax?_

Ryuji was glad to see the tension visibly draining from Akira’s body, and he couldn’t deny how good it felt to be needed and relied on in a way that no one else could possibly match--Akira was leaning into each kiss like he was drowning and Ryuji was his only source of air, and Ryuji was now sure that if it were anyone else, Akira wouldn’t even have come close to letting himself be kissed like this. The feeling was… admittedly a bit intoxicating to say the least, making each kiss less embarrassed and more self-assured than the last.

Once Ryuji felt his lips growing a bit sore and tender, he reluctantly pulled back and shifted their positions, laying down on the bed and pulling a now practically-boneless Akira to lay against his chest. He moved a hand up to run through Akira’s hair, smiling as Akira leaned into the touch.

“Feeling a bit better?” Ryuji asked quietly, receiving a nod and a quiet yawn from Akira in response. “Good. Now let’s get some sleep. I dunno about you, but I’m beat.”

Akira nodded again, burying his face against Ryuji’s chest and murmuring a thank you, and Ryuji barely had the chance to open his mouth to reply before Akira’s breathing evened out.

_He was seriously that exhausted, huh… guess it makes sense with all the shit he’s been through._

Ryuji continued idly toying with Akira’s hair, taking in the relaxed smile on Akira’s sleeping face with a swell of pride.

Akira had been determined to continue suffering on his own, and Ryuji had managed to not only convince him to tell him everything that was on his mind, but to let him actually help--and now Akira was relaxed and peacefully asleep, and it was all thanks to _him_ of all people.

_Who would’ve thought that the dangerous vulgar idiot Ryuji Sakamoto would have it in him,_ he thought wryly, his expression softening as he added, _though I doubt I would’ve been able to do this much if Akira wasn’t the one I was trying to help… and I don’t think Akira would’ve let me do this much if I was anyone else, either._

In all his life, Ryuji could name only a few huge, emotional rollercoaster nights that he’d had, and tonight was definitely at the top of the list--but still, even as he settled down on the bed and closed his eyes, his face lightly flushed as Akira shifted closer to him in his sleep, Ryuji couldn’t bring himself to regret a single moment of it.

_I won’t let him suffer any more. I’ll do everything I can to make sure this is the last timeline he has to live through, no matter what._

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if the ending was a bit rushed, I'm not very good at wrapping things up;;
> 
> So I originally wanted to make a full NG+ fic but a) I'm Pegoryu trash and my brain kept gearing any full NG+ fic I tried to come up with towards AkeShu instead (which I'm alright with, but how does one write Akechi), and b) I am horrible when it comes to writing chapter fics because I take five million years to get them done, so I wanted to just write a one-shot instead
> 
> And so this long, rambly, possibly OOC mess is what I ended up coming up with lol


End file.
